just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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