Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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