the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The air was thick with penises
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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