Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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