walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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