My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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