Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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