i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
