if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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