Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
