Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
