I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
