i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
