She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
