The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
