it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
