You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
