I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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