If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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