i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
