I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
