Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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