She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
