WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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