Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
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i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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