Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
