Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
