I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize