I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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