1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
