nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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