didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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