He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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