bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
