Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Panties = found
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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