he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
