dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
