Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
