everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
