I wish I could teleport
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
