btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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