if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
