Is it normal to miss your booty call?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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