PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
