i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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