I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
