Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
