best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
