I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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