sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
