i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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