The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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