I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
