i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
